Adorable Critters
A Play from the perspective of an Ermine
Act I, Animal Pen
(removing the watermarks seemed like an awful lot of effort, so here we are)
Ten Animals sit in a spaceship and look confused.
(ZORASTER, a self-described synthetic sentient, enters. QUOKKA screams and reaches into its pouch to pull out a joey and throw it at him. ZORASTER catches it with a translucent hand and inspects it, before setting it down on the ground.)
ZORASTER. Welcome, earthly beings! You are the guests of the mighty Zoraster, and all of you have been abducted and placed here for the same reason. On our way to your planet, our antennas have picked up some stray radio signals you have emitted into space. With our superior intellect, we have figured how to turn these signals into moving pictures, and we have thoroughly enjoyed these. So now, we seek to replicate this concept for our amusement, and to find out who deserves to be called the cutest animal of all. Using advanced algorithms, we have narrowed it down to twenty animals. You will now compete in various contests to determine the winner and sole bearer of the title of Adorable Critter. (He looks around the room for a moment. Everyone stares at him with wide eyes. He coughs, a strange metallic sound) Right then, I'll leave you alone now, go do... whatever you animals of earth do. I will check back in with you later. (ZORASTER exits.)
(The animals look at each other cautiously.)
RED PANDA. Alright, who wants to build the shelter?
PIKA. I may not be very strong, but I can be our tribe cheerleader! Go team!
(More animals start talking and within a few seconds, everyone is chattering and moving around the room, pairs of animals form and seperate again.)
(ERMINE moves towards the front of the stage, as the noise of talking in the background becomes more quiet.)
ERMINE. (To the audience) Well, this is certainly not what I expected when I went to sleep yesterday. This situation will require a well thought-out approach if I am to make it through to the end of... whatever this is. Luckily, I have spent hours listening to the wise words of the hermit Ian MacTenep who lives in the woods near my burrow, and his sage advice will guide me. Being an experienced hunter, I will be inconspicuous and bide my time, until the moment comes to strike. Now, I should probably go and get to know my companions. (Turns around and joins the others. After a little while, ZORASTER returns.)
ZORASTER. Well, I hope all of you had the time to settle in and are well rested. The competitions will now begin, and for our first one, if you all could follow me...
(The lights turn off, everybody exits the stage.)
(The lights turn on. Nine of the animals are sitting in a circle)
RED PANDA. Humph. That was just unlucky. I'm not meant to be a goalkeeper, I'm just a freaking Panda!
ELEPHANT SHREW. Mhmh. I wonder who we should vote.
(GECKO hops onto the stage, munching on a piece of meat.)
GECKO. Mlem.
(He exits again. Everyone exchanges looks.)
PIKA. Well...
(The lights turn off.)
(The lights turn on again, the animals still sitting in a circle, when HUMAN CHILD enters.)
HUMAN CHILD. Hey everyone! I think these aliens confused me for just another animal, or they really needed one more contestant. I guess I'm the newest member of our tribe now!
(Awkward silence.)
So... what are you guys talking about?
SAND CAT. Uhm... we were just discussing who to vote. Preferably someone who we don't know that well...
HUMAN CHILD. Oh...
(The lights turn off.)
(The lights turn on, ZORASTER enters, carrying a tablet.)
ZORASTER. According to the rules of this show as we understand them, we will now split you up into three groups of six. (He taps a button and a holographic list appears.) If you would so kind and relocate to the new locations you see here...
(The lights turn off, everybody exits.)
Act II, Aquarium
(The lights turn on, RED PANDA, FENNEC FOX and ERMINE enter.)
RED PANDA. Figure we might as well stick together and have each others backs.
FENNEC FOX. Yup, I think we all like each other and it would be foolish to bicker amongst ourselves when there is a larger threat.
ERMINE. (To the audience.) These aliens are too kind, they've given me exactly the swap I would have chosen myself! Don't tell Fox, but I have a slight crush on them, and I'm so happy I get to continue enjoying their presence! And Red Panda seems to be a fairly dominant animal, so they're perfect to draw attention away from me, while keeping me safe from threats if I manage to stay close to him.
(JERBOA, SUGAR GLIDER, and WHET OWL enter. SUGAR GLIDER walks over to ERMINE.)
SUGAR GLIDER. I know this situation looks very much like us versus them, but perhaps it doesn't have to be. You can trust me, and to prove it, here's what I got up to on the Aviary tribe... (whispers something in her ear.) What do you say, you think we can team up with Jerboa and Red Panda to vote Owl or Fox if we have to?
ERMINE. Uhm... (casts a longing look at FENNEX FOX.) Suuuure. I'm totally fine with that.
SUGAR GLIDER. Great. Now, let me go talk to Red Panda.
(goes over to RED PANDA and whispers something in his ear. RED PANDA nods and turns to JERBOA to whisper something in his ear. JERBOA's face turns red, and he motions for ERMINE and FENNEC FOX to join him.)
JERBOA. Okay, I've decided I don't trust Sugar Glider because he's been doing some very sneaky stuff. You wanna just vote him out?
ERMINE. (shrugs.) Why not. Someone has to go, it might as well be him. (turns to audience.) Well, this was pretty much all that happened on here. I didn't really... connect with anyone new here, but I did gain a new ally in Jerboa, and I strenghtened my connection to Red Panda by virtue of spending more time with him, which might turn out to be very helpful in the next phase of this game...
(The lights turn off.)
Act III, Petting Zoo
(Never been to a Petting Zoo, here are some animals I guess)
(ZORASTER enters and hovers in front of all eleven remaining animals.)
ZORASTER. Congratulations everyone for making it this far! Eleven of you are still here. No need to ask what happened to the rest, they're fine. Good luck and may the cutest win.
ERMINE. (turns towards the audience.) Hmm, I've come to realize that it would take incredibly long to act this out, so instead, you get a monologue from me, the protagonist of my own story. At last, this will turn into a somewhat normal speech. My goal here was still to not get noticed, and I was feeling safe in the alliance that I had, so I didn't really try to get into more of them. Sand Cat and Pika were two animals which I really liked, and I was hoping I could also count on them to not be eager to vote me. For now, there were enough names going around, and as the great MacTenep used to say, I don't care who the wolves eat, as long as it's not me. Or my beloved, in this case. The first two votes were fairly simple, neither Capybara or Whet Owl had the connections to save them when their names were brought up.
Things got a lot more interesting when it was time to vote Meerkat, who was seen as the easiest vote. The way I understand it, our Aquarium alliance was seen as a threat and I was targeted as its perceived weakest member. This lead to me having an honest talk with Pika, which turned her from voting me into my second most trusted ally, so I was glad it happened. I was also a bit more honest with Sand Cat, as I had been perhaps a bit too reserved before. At the end, I ended up getting only three votes, with Sand Cat only voting for me (atleast as she said) because she knew it wouldn't matter. Meerkat went home and I felt in a better position than before.
The next vote was... strange. There was some confusion over who voted where, which lead to us distrusting Jerboa's claim that he had voted Meerkat. We decided to vote out Jerboa, but the potential threat of an idol loomed over us and Red Panda made an effort to split the vote with the help of Lorry, Sand Cat and Pika. In hindsight, I maybe should have tried to have Pika vote for Jerboa instead of splitting on Dolphin, but that would have led to a tie and possibly rocks, so who's to say. It turned out that Lorry and Sand Cat hadn't taken kindly to Pika's refusal to vote me and she was blindsided. Pika getting voted out wasn't hugely detrimental to my game, but it did leave a bitter taste in my mouth.
By this stage of the game, I hoped that people would start going after players they considered threats. And pretty soon after the end of the challenge, Sand Cat decided to turn on Slow Loris, which she considered unpleasant but necessary. This meant that someone who had pushed for me before was gone.
I finally won a immunity challenge, and a pretty important one at that. The immunity gave me the confidence to do something that had to be done. Red Panda had admitted that he was close to Sand Cat and that he wanted an f4 with her. That would have likely led to a firemaking challenge, and as I am not very consistent at challenges I very much wanted to avoid that. Everyone knew that Red Panda would almost certainly have the respect of the jury, so it didn't take any convincing to get the votes for Red Panda, as Jerboa and Dolphin both knew it would be in all of our best interests to do that. It didn't give me pleasure to see Red Panda voted out, but I knew that it was the best thing for my game. It was also then that a final three with Dolphin, Fox and me was agreed upon. All things considered, Dolphin had been honest with me and I trusted him to follow through on that.
Our final three deal held and thus the last two votes weren't very dramatic. So now I stand in front of this jury, and have to think of words to say. I admit that I didn't play the most exciting game, and it certainly wasn't agressive. But I have seen and experienced that falling prey to temptations of power often makes your life much harder the closer you get to the finish line. I took a more careful approach, but I hope the jury can see the merit of that. My timezone also happened to favor this strategy, as I was asleep while a lot of the vote discussions took place, and when I woke up I often couldn't do much more than agree to a plan. I think I've said most of what I wanted to say, so I should take a final bow and leave the stage, before my tired mind will come up with ways to ruin this.
